Post by Wildwind on Apr 11, 2008 19:18:38 GMT -5
this is divided into 2 parts: story and dialogue, basically becuz it won't fit on one thread. Also, this is my friends, and i wouldn't b posting it without permission!!!
Two troubled blue eyes peeked out of the warriors den. Bad weather again, Cloudtail thought. Oh, well. He'd find something to do. Maybe he'd get something for the nursery? Ferncloud and Birchkit must be hungry. Cloudtail decided to lead an early hunting patrol...
Cloudtail headed back, a mouse in his jaws for Ferncloud. He expected to see a nice, healthy queen, maybe nursing her kit or chatting kindly with a visitor. But he saw something…er…something…else.
"Erm…Ferncloud? What's going on!"
"Oh, come ON! Can't you see I'm trying to watch my soap? No! Don't do it, Carly! Don't marry Dave! He's with another woman! You idiot! (GASP!) Oh, no! Not Kelly! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED? It's your fault, Dirk, ITS ALL YOUR FAULT! Crap…run, Ben! Run for your FREAKING LIFE!"
"Ahem…Ferncloud…"
"What NOW?" Ferncloud managed to tear her eyes off of the screen and glare at Cloudtail. "What's your problem, tubby?" she growled.
"Tubby?"
"Yah, that's right, fatso. Now scram, would you, I'm in the middle of a show and-"
"Um…what is that…thing?"
"'Thing'? How dare you call the amazing device known as television a 'thing'! This is not a mere object, you dimwit! This thing shows you reality shows, sitcoms, soapoperas! How could you even stand calling something that has an entire soapopera channel on it a… a…thing!" Ferncloud was now, amazingly, almost in tears.
"Ferncloud, I'm sorry, but really…what are you eating? I caught you a mouse, I thought you'd be hungry!"
"Ha, that's a good one, tubby. Now scram! And would ya mind telling Birchkit he's late again with my mocha? I NEED MY MOCHA! I NEED IT OR I WILL EXPLODE!"
"But…Ferncloud…"
"Oh, for Pete's sake…what? Up with it, Tubby! And hurry up; General Hospital comes on in, like, two minutes!"
"What's gotten into you? Watching that television all day, eating that Twoleg food…"
"Twoleg food? Ha! Now that's a kick! You still calling 'em Twolegs, huh? Now, I've had it with you, tubby. You better leave right now. You don't wanna know how mad queens can get, do ya? That's what I thought. You better run, tubby! And maybe shed a couple pounds, would ya? For the good of the tribe, or whatever they call it these days?"
"Oh, and DON'T FORGET MY MOCHA!"
Cloudtail ran, his tail in between his legs. He never thought a queen could be so…well, angry! Maybe that was what they did…oh well, might as well go find that Mosha, or whatever she called it. Oh, there was Birchkit…
"Hey, Birchkit! Your mother wants you to get her a mocha, or whatever."
"Yah, yah, yah…I know. Mom's been crabby lately…I'm coming…man, this mocha's the size of me! Oh, here's a video game. I don't think mom'll want to play it, considering she hasn't glued her eyes off the Soap channel ever since we hooked that thing up…there's another T.V. in the warrior den. And if I were you, I'd avoid Ferncloud, unless you've got yourself a good box of pizza or something!"
With that, the little kit ran off to his mother. Cloudtail winced as he could hear her yowling all the way from where he stood.
"About time! Now then…hey! Where's my chocolate? YOU SAID YOU'D GET ME MY CHOCOLATE!"
Cloudtail sighed and grabbed the…what was it called…video game? Well, he grabbed that, and padded over to the warrior's den. Indeed he saw another television, and warriors were all crowded around it, staring in awe…
"I don't get it…" Sandstorm muttered as she pressed another button, which flipped to some movie about some nerd with an orange afro and a Vote for Pedro T-shirt.
"Look at all the colors…" Sootfur muttered stupidly.
"Preeety colors…" Squirrelflight mumbled, her mouth wide open in awe.
"Oh, for Pete's sake…it's called a television!" Cloudtail burst out. "And look at this…a video game!" Quickly, he plugged the video game into the television…
"See, there are four controllers. Four can play at a time. There's Mario, Luigi, Donkey Kong, and Princes Peach. Now, you press this button to shoot, these ones to move, and this to pause a game. This one starts it. This one's for jumping. This makes you run faster. Any questions? Good. Now then, let's start!" Cloudtail grabbed the Mario controller, and let Brightheart, Rainwhisker, and Sorreltail play.
Two hours later…
"I'm winning! I'm winning!" Sootfur shrieked.
"Dang it…how come he always win?" Squirrelflight muttered.
"Y'all just jealous 'cause you always lose…" Brambleclaw teased.
"Oh, yeah? You wanna go?"
"Bring it, sister!"
"You asked for it! I'm gonna kick your Badonkadonk, fo' shizzle!"
"Oh no you DIDN'T!"
"Oh, it's ON!"
"Don't go there, girlfriend!"
"I'm gonna bring it…GANGSTA STYLE!"
Cloudtail rolled his eyes. He knew he should have just stuck to the Mario game. Ever since he'd brought Grand Theft Auto, Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight had been talking like…well, gangsters. He actually had to talk in their 'ghetto language' for them to understand him. And if he didn't, well, they'd call him 'White Boy'. And he'd had ENOUGH experiences with name-calling. Such as Tubby… that and White Boy were his new nicknames. Great. Just great.
Ever since the warriors started playing video games, things hadn't been the same. Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw wouldn't shut up. Everybody fought over the video games. Ferncloud had started to gain weight, and lots of it…
Who knew if things would ever get back to normal?
"What up? Who said that, ya'll?
"It was White Boy, fo' shizzle."
"Fo' shizzle?"
"Fo' shizzle, my brotha. Fo' shizzle."
"Yeuh."
Chapter 2 (Very funny!)
Leafpool headed back over to the camp, her mouth full of herbs. After dropping them in the den and carefully organizing them, she trotted out of the den and over to the fresh-kill pile. But when she arrived there, the fresh-kill pile was gone! Instead of prey, the hole was piled high with strange boxes and bottles and bags of…Twoleg things! What was going on here?
Suddenly, Leafpool spotted her sister, Squirrelflight. Maybe she could explain this! Wait a second…what were Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw wearing? They both were walking to a strange beat of music, and both had on black sunglasses, and…some strange, dangling shiny stuff… and lots of it!
"Squirreflight! Is that YOU?"
"Yo, what up, sista'?"
"Man, yo sista is whack, girlfriend! She don't got no shades, and she ain't got no bling-bling!"
"Yeuh, brotha, you is right! What up wit' that, girl?"
"Squirrelflight? Is something wrong with you? I think you may have a severe headache. Here, I've got some poppy seeds back in my den. Is there some strange disease going on or what…"
"What'chu talking bout, Leafy-dog, my homie?"
"Um…Leafy…dog? What's going on?"
"Yeuh, that be yo new gangsta name! That's what up!"
"'Gangsta name'? Squirreflight, really…"
"Well, of course you got a gangsta name! E'erbody got themselves some gangsta name. Yo homie right here is Skillet Squirrel, and that be Bramble-Homie! Yo mama, we call her Sandy Momma, but we don't know why she be hatin'! Not as much as White Boy, though. Hell, he hate his name. But lemme tell yo sometin', it be betta' than Tubby, that fo sho'. Ain't that right, Bramble-Homie?"
"Yeuh. Tubby not a gangsta name, fo sho!"
"Yeuh, my brotha. Fo sho and fo shizzle."
"Okay, that's it! Take off those ridiculous glasses so I can see your faces. I need to look at your eyes and see if they're bloodshot or not, and then we'll need to go over to my den and see what herbs we have for…"
"Woah yippie-yo there, Leafy-leafy dog!
Don't be running off like a winged hedgehog! – else
you is gonna be like our long-lost homie,
Papa G, our deputy! – now.
Break it down homies; join me in the rap,
Before Leafy-dog bores us into a cat-nap,
Or before she's as white as our tubby White Boy,
Hell, no, so let's sing, break it down, boys!"
"Yeuh! Sing it, Skillet Squirrel! Sista can rap, yo!"
"Obviously, this is a very, very serious case of… brain damage. A very rare case of it, indeed. I'm afraid that if you two don't follow me inside, it could very well be fatal. Now, if you decide not to, please visit me as soon as you can! I'll be right in my – ow!"
Leafpool was about to head into the den when she tripped over something. Slowly getting up, she looked at what she tripped over. It appeared to be something hard rolled up in paper that was labeled 'Cherry-flavored Coughdrop'.
"Hmm…cherry-flavored?"
"Yo, sista, I'm afraid y'all can't have that name, cause we dun call homie Brightheart Sweet-N-Sour Cherry Heart, y'all. Even though she dun know what Cherry is, but she still get mad. Now, if y'all want-"
"No, no, Brambleclaw, I'm talking about this coughdrop-"
"Yo, did I just hear y'all call me 'Brambleclaw'?"
"I think she just did, Bramble-Homie. That was some diss! She got you gooood!"
"Yo, I ain't backin' down from a fight! This calls fo' a Yo Mama showdown! You know what? Yo momma so furry-"
"This is ridiculous! I am taking this…this, er, cough drop…and investigating it furthermore! As well as this…hmm…it appears to say 'Pepto-Bismol'. Yes, it does! Yes, indeed! Now, I'm leaving, and unless you'd like to follow me to reduce your risk of dying from brain loss, you better not call me that stupid name again! EVER!"
"You mean Leafy-dog?"
"GRRRR…"
"Yo, yo, yo, that ain't cool. C'mon, Skillet Squirrel, let's leave White Girl here alone."
"Yeuh. She don't deserve to be called Leafy-dog."
"That fo sho. Let's go invade some Shadow-shizzle and talk to Peep-Poppy and her homies, Skillet Toad, Marsh Homie, and Apple-Cida'."
"Yeuh. And maybe her man, Oaky-shizzle."
Leafpool watched them stalk off, relieved. What was wrong with them? Sighing, she turned back to the Twoleg medicine.
"I wonder if these work better than herbs. Hmm…they sure do taste better. I've got to get more of these for the elders!" Running out of the den with her mouth full of medicine, she arrived in the elders den.
"Wha'? What's going on, whipper-snapper! Who's there? Who's there, I say? Why is the world so black? How come I can barely see?"
"Bah, it's because of that eye patch, nimrod."
"Oh, yes…yes, I can see now. Thank you, Goldenflower, you old coot!"
"Eh, it was nuffin, Mousy. Bah, Longtail, don't bother takin' off yer eyepatch; ya know ya haven't been able to see straight for moons!"
"Oh, shut up, you stupid old she-cats! I'm younger than you-"
"Not by a lot, eh, Goldie?"
"Oh, would you two get a life? I'm still younger, and I can see perfectly-" Longtail slammed straight into the wall and fell flat on his face… "-well."
"Argh, I told yee you was blind, you old fool! Have the ticks gone too yer head and eaten up yer brain? Now, git over here, and let's finish eating dried prunes and other old people food, before yee ferget yer breakfast."
"Yay! Dried prunes! My favorite!"
"Peppermints! They make me feel young again!"
"Um…" Leafpool started.
"Wha? Oh, I forgot about you. Crazy punks. Whadda ya want? We ain't buyin more canes. We already got some, and if Cinderpelt don't stop feedin us herbs, we won't stop hittin her in the head with 'em!"
"No, no, Mousefur, I've got you guys some coughdrops, and Pepto-Bismol, and Ricola…"
"Ricolaaaaaa…" they all sang together.
"Um."
"Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea! Yay Pepto-Bismol!"
"Yeah, about that…which one of you has ticks again? Because I've got some Advantix…"
"Hello mother, hello father,
Fleas ticks mosquitoes, really bother!
Thanks for the package, that's why I'm writing,
K-9 Advantix quickly stopped all the biting.
Swimming hiking, tent pitching,
They're not biting, I'm not itching!
Can't wait to show you, all my new tricks,
Thanks again for sending my K-9 Advantix!"
"Please…stop…you know what? If you don't like that, I have Advantage too…"
"In the jungle, the mighty jungle,
The lion creeps tonight,
With Advantage, the fleas don't bite him.
The lion feels alright…
Advantage works the fleas are gone,
Advantage works the fleas are gone,
Advantage works the fleas are gone,
Advantage works the fleas are gone,
Oooooooooooooooh…"
"THAT'S IT! SHUT UP! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!"
"For Pete's sake, kids these days…"
"Ain't you seen the commercials, young'n? Now, about that Advantix…"
"Hold it! What's going on here?" Leafpool froze. Behind her stood a very, very angry Cinderpelt.
"How dare you, Leafpool! We can't feed this…this Twoleg nonsense to those poor elders! Who knows what's in this stuff?"
"I believe I do! You just gotta look at the nutrition facts, missy! Now let's see…artificial cherry flavoring…oh my, 35 calories per serving…"
"Now, listen, Longtail, I believe you are in need of some watermint…"
"What was that you said? Peppermints? I love peppermints!"
"They make me feel young again!"
"Got any prunes? Those babies hit the spot!"
"Silence! Leafpool, you are to feed these elders the proper herbs, or…"
"Or what?"
"Or…or else I shall…erm…tell Firestar! Ha!"
"Well, now, that's his problem. He doesn't know the difference between watermint and peppermint…"
"Did somebody say peppermint?"
"Mousefur, hush. Now, he doesn't know a thing about herbs, so I'll be surprised if he even gets angry at all...all he really cares about is 'the warrior code' this, 'loyalty to the clan' that…ha! What a suck-up! Now, Cinderpelt, I do believe this is a gift from StarClan, so that elders and queens don't complain about the crap we give them all the time. Let's face it: it just tastes better. It probably works faster. And get those cobwebs away from her! Ever heard of Band-Aids? Yah, that's right, Cinderpelt…now, I know this is a bit harsh on you, but life changes, and the 'olden days' are over, so unless you want me to take over as medicine cat, you had better brush up on the new medicine cat skills, or else you can pray to StarClan to give you some 'guidance'. Now, who needs what?"
"I need Pepto-Bismol!"
"Bah, you always need Pepto-Bismol, you old coot! You've had some funky digestion systems lately…"
Nobody noticed as Cinderpelt, now sad, with her head and tail drooping, slowly walked out of the elders den and into her own den. What was happening to the clan? She needed a message from StarClan, and fast…
Chapter 4 (Even more funny!)
This was insanity. Pure insanity.
Firestar shook his head as he watched from the Great Rock. Fresh-kill piles were replaced with Twoleg food. Whitepaw and Brackenfur had been missing for days now. For some reason, everybody had started calling his nephew Tubby and White Boy. Leafpool had been using Twoleg medicine on the elders; all the warriors were obsessed with strange things called video games!
Worst of all, his own daughter, and his once trusted warrior Brambleclaw, had started to wear crazy things, talk in a crazy language, and call him Firey-shizzle! He had to do something about-
Wait a second…what was that scent? It was so familiar, yet so distant. It was a scent he hadn't smelt in moons, an unforgettable menacing scent that was now somewhat…ghostly…or was that perfume? Firestar's curiosity got the better of him, and he jumped off of the rock and followed the oddly familiar smell.
His scent trail led him, strangely, to the nursery. Peeking inside, he saw a very, VERY strange sight…an obese Ferncloud, Twoleg food scattered all over the place, a lot of empty Kleenex boxes, a television with the soap channel on, and…TIGERSTAR? In a pink tutu? With a teddy bear? How weird could this day get?
"Why did Dirk have to…(sniffle)…do that? WHY?" Ferncloud wailed.
"It's okay, Ferncloud…here, have a tissue…I know, Mr. Stuffykins, I know," meowed Tigerclaw in a strangely feminine voice.
"OH! All this depression makes me so…HUNGRY! Care for some pie?"
"Oh, no, thank you, Ferncloud, we're on a diet! Aren't we, Mr. Stuffykins?"
(squeak!)
"Exactly! I know, we've got to stay away from those big, mean old calories, don't we, now?"
"Yah, well, suit yourself…this one's apple cinnamon flavored!"
"Apple Cinnamon pie? Malibu Barbie used to love apple cinnamon pie with her tea…WAAAAAH!"
"But…Dirk poisoned Kelly with apple cinnamon pie…WAAAAAH!"
(squeak!)
Firestar could hear them both crying like sissies, over Malibu Barbie and the soapopera. He rolled his eyes.
"Really, Ferncloud, I think that this calls for a remodel of your little nursery. Aw, wouldn't it just be ADORABLE if we put in a lavender pantry? With little matching cabinets, and maybe a fridge with a hint of Purple Mountain's Majesty? Lavender is a very soothing color, but green is so easy on the eyes, and it would bring out the color in your FABULOUS jade pools… and we COULD do a green couch, if you wanted, but it would have to be a green that goes with lavender, or it would just not go!"
"What about pink?"
"Oh…my…God! You do NOT want the whole room to be pink! It'll be, like, ohmigosh, a Pepto-Bismol DISASTER! Honey, pink just SPELLS disaster! But if we do some lavender with jade, we could have the most fabulous room! Honey, we are talking Fancy Feast Persian Caviar-flavored fabulous! You just can't find that kind of fabulous anywhere these days!"
"Yah, uh, you do that. Now, about this big mess I made…"
"Oh, yes, of course, the cute little lavender pantry is perfect to organize all of your little donuts, and the adorable mini fridge for all that soda! Oh, my, God, and with a matching freezer! Genius! And don't worry about this dirt floor, we could either get some tile on here or some perfect fabric for a fuzzy purple carpet. As for this little mess, I LOVE spring cleaning!"
Firestar couldn't hold it in much longer. Finally, he burst into laughter, rolling on the floor and gasping for breath.
"Tigerstar…my mortal enemy…the most evil cat I've ever met…a WUSS? I never thought the day would…come!"
"Oh, Firey! How good it is to see you! Oh, my, we need to do something about that fur…listen, I know about this fabulous spa just down the street and-"
"I can't believe it! You're…a sissy!"
"Yes, well, that isn't very nice, now, is it, Mr. Stuffykins?"
(squeak!)
"Exactly! You should watch your tongue, Mister!"
"Spring cleaning? TIGERSTAR, the most evil cat in the forest, SPRING CLEANS?"
"Well, yes, it is a hobby, I must admit. But I've changed my ways, Firey. I've gone to the good side, and not just any good side, but the gorgeously fabulous good side! If only I'd known how perfect these long front claws were for French manicures!"
"So that means you're…easy to beat up and pick on!"
"Now, now, Firey, I've already gotten this ghastly black eye from that horrible gangster that I am ashamed to call my son. I mean, old school? It's just so, like, old. I think he totally needs a fashion change…"
"Ha! Your own son beat you! Now this is funny-"
"I've got an idea! Why don't the two of you shut up, because the commercials are over and Nine Lives To Live is back on. Or, to make it better, 'Firey' can get a life, and Tigerstar can redecorate my den. How about that? Good. Now, SHUT UP!"
Tigerstar shrugged, and, pulling a feather duster and little black-and-white maid outfit out of nowhere, began singing and dusting the den.
Firestar, now thoroughly confused, headed out of the den. What was that…another smell? This was a strange one…following the scent, he came upon a strange slice of something orange with holes in it.
But when Firestar came closer, he noticed how delicious the scent was. It tempted him, the mesmerizing, milky sweet cheddar scent, slowly luring his slobbering mouth closer…and closer…until he finally opened his jaws and…
"Hey you!" something squeaked from below him. Looking down, he spotted…a mouse?
"Yah, you, you big fat orange cat! Now hand over the cheese, mister!"
"Cheese? This…this glorious thing is called…cheese?"
"Yah, smart one, ever heard of it? Now, hurry up and hand it over to-"
"NEVER!"
"What the-"
"I am sorry, my little piece of prey, but I have discovered something truly amazing, something that makes my life worth living…cheese! I have discovered a true passion for this…this heavenly aroma, the cheddary, silky texture, the perfectly round and tempting holes! Oh, Mr. Mouse, I don't think I could ever give something up so…so…" Firestar was now, sadly, choking up with tears of joy, and his voice was becoming squeakier by the second. Over cheese.
"So beautiful!" he finally managed to finish before suddenly grabbing the chunk of cheddar in his jaws and glaring down at the cat.
"And that, my friend, is why I shall NEVER let anyone get his paws around my cheese! It's mine, I say! MINE! You shall never take it from me! NEVER!"
"Oh, yah? You think you can just come up to a little mouse and steal his chance at not starving in this piece-of-catdung forest, eh? Well, let me tell you something, buddy, about stealing a mouse's cheese! If you ever – ever do that to any mouse, then that little mouse will get his revenge! REVENGE, I tell you! Now you better give me that cheese, or else you and your little kitty-cat friends won't see what hit them!"
"Yah, suuure…you and what army?"
"Only my army of every mouse, rat, and cheese-loving 'prey' in this forest! You'll see who the prey is once I get all my little friends to-"
"Ha! So you're getting all of your tiny, pipsqueak friends? Well, then, I'm getting all of MINE! One cat to me is equal to ten mice of yours! This is WAR, you rat! WAR, I say!"
"Fine, then! It's official! Let's just say that prey will be a lot harder to catch in this forest from now on!"
"We don't need you to depend on…as long as we have the cheese! And it will be a fight for my cheese! A bloodthirsty battle! I will fight out every one of my seven lives in me if I must! WAR! This…is…WAAAAAR!" And with that, Firestar grabbed the little mouse by the tail and sent him flying out of ThunderClan.
"We…will…meet…again…" was all that the little mouse could say before Firestar heard something splat against a tree. Turning around, he came face to face with Spiderleg.
"Uh…" he meowed, very confused. "Were you just talking to a mouse?"
"Yes. Yes, indeed, I was. Don't look at me like that, soldier! Get an army helmet for every warrior, every queen, elder, and kit, every medicine cat in this Clan, because this, my little badly-named friend, is WAR!"
"Uh…sir yes sir?"
Two troubled blue eyes peeked out of the warriors den. Bad weather again, Cloudtail thought. Oh, well. He'd find something to do. Maybe he'd get something for the nursery? Ferncloud and Birchkit must be hungry. Cloudtail decided to lead an early hunting patrol...
Cloudtail headed back, a mouse in his jaws for Ferncloud. He expected to see a nice, healthy queen, maybe nursing her kit or chatting kindly with a visitor. But he saw something…er…something…else.
"Erm…Ferncloud? What's going on!"
"Oh, come ON! Can't you see I'm trying to watch my soap? No! Don't do it, Carly! Don't marry Dave! He's with another woman! You idiot! (GASP!) Oh, no! Not Kelly! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED? It's your fault, Dirk, ITS ALL YOUR FAULT! Crap…run, Ben! Run for your FREAKING LIFE!"
"Ahem…Ferncloud…"
"What NOW?" Ferncloud managed to tear her eyes off of the screen and glare at Cloudtail. "What's your problem, tubby?" she growled.
"Tubby?"
"Yah, that's right, fatso. Now scram, would you, I'm in the middle of a show and-"
"Um…what is that…thing?"
"'Thing'? How dare you call the amazing device known as television a 'thing'! This is not a mere object, you dimwit! This thing shows you reality shows, sitcoms, soapoperas! How could you even stand calling something that has an entire soapopera channel on it a… a…thing!" Ferncloud was now, amazingly, almost in tears.
"Ferncloud, I'm sorry, but really…what are you eating? I caught you a mouse, I thought you'd be hungry!"
"Ha, that's a good one, tubby. Now scram! And would ya mind telling Birchkit he's late again with my mocha? I NEED MY MOCHA! I NEED IT OR I WILL EXPLODE!"
"But…Ferncloud…"
"Oh, for Pete's sake…what? Up with it, Tubby! And hurry up; General Hospital comes on in, like, two minutes!"
"What's gotten into you? Watching that television all day, eating that Twoleg food…"
"Twoleg food? Ha! Now that's a kick! You still calling 'em Twolegs, huh? Now, I've had it with you, tubby. You better leave right now. You don't wanna know how mad queens can get, do ya? That's what I thought. You better run, tubby! And maybe shed a couple pounds, would ya? For the good of the tribe, or whatever they call it these days?"
"Oh, and DON'T FORGET MY MOCHA!"
Cloudtail ran, his tail in between his legs. He never thought a queen could be so…well, angry! Maybe that was what they did…oh well, might as well go find that Mosha, or whatever she called it. Oh, there was Birchkit…
"Hey, Birchkit! Your mother wants you to get her a mocha, or whatever."
"Yah, yah, yah…I know. Mom's been crabby lately…I'm coming…man, this mocha's the size of me! Oh, here's a video game. I don't think mom'll want to play it, considering she hasn't glued her eyes off the Soap channel ever since we hooked that thing up…there's another T.V. in the warrior den. And if I were you, I'd avoid Ferncloud, unless you've got yourself a good box of pizza or something!"
With that, the little kit ran off to his mother. Cloudtail winced as he could hear her yowling all the way from where he stood.
"About time! Now then…hey! Where's my chocolate? YOU SAID YOU'D GET ME MY CHOCOLATE!"
Cloudtail sighed and grabbed the…what was it called…video game? Well, he grabbed that, and padded over to the warrior's den. Indeed he saw another television, and warriors were all crowded around it, staring in awe…
"I don't get it…" Sandstorm muttered as she pressed another button, which flipped to some movie about some nerd with an orange afro and a Vote for Pedro T-shirt.
"Look at all the colors…" Sootfur muttered stupidly.
"Preeety colors…" Squirrelflight mumbled, her mouth wide open in awe.
"Oh, for Pete's sake…it's called a television!" Cloudtail burst out. "And look at this…a video game!" Quickly, he plugged the video game into the television…
"See, there are four controllers. Four can play at a time. There's Mario, Luigi, Donkey Kong, and Princes Peach. Now, you press this button to shoot, these ones to move, and this to pause a game. This one starts it. This one's for jumping. This makes you run faster. Any questions? Good. Now then, let's start!" Cloudtail grabbed the Mario controller, and let Brightheart, Rainwhisker, and Sorreltail play.
Two hours later…
"I'm winning! I'm winning!" Sootfur shrieked.
"Dang it…how come he always win?" Squirrelflight muttered.
"Y'all just jealous 'cause you always lose…" Brambleclaw teased.
"Oh, yeah? You wanna go?"
"Bring it, sister!"
"You asked for it! I'm gonna kick your Badonkadonk, fo' shizzle!"
"Oh no you DIDN'T!"
"Oh, it's ON!"
"Don't go there, girlfriend!"
"I'm gonna bring it…GANGSTA STYLE!"
Cloudtail rolled his eyes. He knew he should have just stuck to the Mario game. Ever since he'd brought Grand Theft Auto, Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight had been talking like…well, gangsters. He actually had to talk in their 'ghetto language' for them to understand him. And if he didn't, well, they'd call him 'White Boy'. And he'd had ENOUGH experiences with name-calling. Such as Tubby… that and White Boy were his new nicknames. Great. Just great.
Ever since the warriors started playing video games, things hadn't been the same. Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw wouldn't shut up. Everybody fought over the video games. Ferncloud had started to gain weight, and lots of it…
Who knew if things would ever get back to normal?
"What up? Who said that, ya'll?
"It was White Boy, fo' shizzle."
"Fo' shizzle?"
"Fo' shizzle, my brotha. Fo' shizzle."
"Yeuh."
Chapter 2 (Very funny!)
Leafpool headed back over to the camp, her mouth full of herbs. After dropping them in the den and carefully organizing them, she trotted out of the den and over to the fresh-kill pile. But when she arrived there, the fresh-kill pile was gone! Instead of prey, the hole was piled high with strange boxes and bottles and bags of…Twoleg things! What was going on here?
Suddenly, Leafpool spotted her sister, Squirrelflight. Maybe she could explain this! Wait a second…what were Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw wearing? They both were walking to a strange beat of music, and both had on black sunglasses, and…some strange, dangling shiny stuff… and lots of it!
"Squirreflight! Is that YOU?"
"Yo, what up, sista'?"
"Man, yo sista is whack, girlfriend! She don't got no shades, and she ain't got no bling-bling!"
"Yeuh, brotha, you is right! What up wit' that, girl?"
"Squirrelflight? Is something wrong with you? I think you may have a severe headache. Here, I've got some poppy seeds back in my den. Is there some strange disease going on or what…"
"What'chu talking bout, Leafy-dog, my homie?"
"Um…Leafy…dog? What's going on?"
"Yeuh, that be yo new gangsta name! That's what up!"
"'Gangsta name'? Squirreflight, really…"
"Well, of course you got a gangsta name! E'erbody got themselves some gangsta name. Yo homie right here is Skillet Squirrel, and that be Bramble-Homie! Yo mama, we call her Sandy Momma, but we don't know why she be hatin'! Not as much as White Boy, though. Hell, he hate his name. But lemme tell yo sometin', it be betta' than Tubby, that fo sho'. Ain't that right, Bramble-Homie?"
"Yeuh. Tubby not a gangsta name, fo sho!"
"Yeuh, my brotha. Fo sho and fo shizzle."
"Okay, that's it! Take off those ridiculous glasses so I can see your faces. I need to look at your eyes and see if they're bloodshot or not, and then we'll need to go over to my den and see what herbs we have for…"
"Woah yippie-yo there, Leafy-leafy dog!
Don't be running off like a winged hedgehog! – else
you is gonna be like our long-lost homie,
Papa G, our deputy! – now.
Break it down homies; join me in the rap,
Before Leafy-dog bores us into a cat-nap,
Or before she's as white as our tubby White Boy,
Hell, no, so let's sing, break it down, boys!"
"Yeuh! Sing it, Skillet Squirrel! Sista can rap, yo!"
"Obviously, this is a very, very serious case of… brain damage. A very rare case of it, indeed. I'm afraid that if you two don't follow me inside, it could very well be fatal. Now, if you decide not to, please visit me as soon as you can! I'll be right in my – ow!"
Leafpool was about to head into the den when she tripped over something. Slowly getting up, she looked at what she tripped over. It appeared to be something hard rolled up in paper that was labeled 'Cherry-flavored Coughdrop'.
"Hmm…cherry-flavored?"
"Yo, sista, I'm afraid y'all can't have that name, cause we dun call homie Brightheart Sweet-N-Sour Cherry Heart, y'all. Even though she dun know what Cherry is, but she still get mad. Now, if y'all want-"
"No, no, Brambleclaw, I'm talking about this coughdrop-"
"Yo, did I just hear y'all call me 'Brambleclaw'?"
"I think she just did, Bramble-Homie. That was some diss! She got you gooood!"
"Yo, I ain't backin' down from a fight! This calls fo' a Yo Mama showdown! You know what? Yo momma so furry-"
"This is ridiculous! I am taking this…this, er, cough drop…and investigating it furthermore! As well as this…hmm…it appears to say 'Pepto-Bismol'. Yes, it does! Yes, indeed! Now, I'm leaving, and unless you'd like to follow me to reduce your risk of dying from brain loss, you better not call me that stupid name again! EVER!"
"You mean Leafy-dog?"
"GRRRR…"
"Yo, yo, yo, that ain't cool. C'mon, Skillet Squirrel, let's leave White Girl here alone."
"Yeuh. She don't deserve to be called Leafy-dog."
"That fo sho. Let's go invade some Shadow-shizzle and talk to Peep-Poppy and her homies, Skillet Toad, Marsh Homie, and Apple-Cida'."
"Yeuh. And maybe her man, Oaky-shizzle."
Leafpool watched them stalk off, relieved. What was wrong with them? Sighing, she turned back to the Twoleg medicine.
"I wonder if these work better than herbs. Hmm…they sure do taste better. I've got to get more of these for the elders!" Running out of the den with her mouth full of medicine, she arrived in the elders den.
"Wha'? What's going on, whipper-snapper! Who's there? Who's there, I say? Why is the world so black? How come I can barely see?"
"Bah, it's because of that eye patch, nimrod."
"Oh, yes…yes, I can see now. Thank you, Goldenflower, you old coot!"
"Eh, it was nuffin, Mousy. Bah, Longtail, don't bother takin' off yer eyepatch; ya know ya haven't been able to see straight for moons!"
"Oh, shut up, you stupid old she-cats! I'm younger than you-"
"Not by a lot, eh, Goldie?"
"Oh, would you two get a life? I'm still younger, and I can see perfectly-" Longtail slammed straight into the wall and fell flat on his face… "-well."
"Argh, I told yee you was blind, you old fool! Have the ticks gone too yer head and eaten up yer brain? Now, git over here, and let's finish eating dried prunes and other old people food, before yee ferget yer breakfast."
"Yay! Dried prunes! My favorite!"
"Peppermints! They make me feel young again!"
"Um…" Leafpool started.
"Wha? Oh, I forgot about you. Crazy punks. Whadda ya want? We ain't buyin more canes. We already got some, and if Cinderpelt don't stop feedin us herbs, we won't stop hittin her in the head with 'em!"
"No, no, Mousefur, I've got you guys some coughdrops, and Pepto-Bismol, and Ricola…"
"Ricolaaaaaa…" they all sang together.
"Um."
"Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea! Yay Pepto-Bismol!"
"Yeah, about that…which one of you has ticks again? Because I've got some Advantix…"
"Hello mother, hello father,
Fleas ticks mosquitoes, really bother!
Thanks for the package, that's why I'm writing,
K-9 Advantix quickly stopped all the biting.
Swimming hiking, tent pitching,
They're not biting, I'm not itching!
Can't wait to show you, all my new tricks,
Thanks again for sending my K-9 Advantix!"
"Please…stop…you know what? If you don't like that, I have Advantage too…"
"In the jungle, the mighty jungle,
The lion creeps tonight,
With Advantage, the fleas don't bite him.
The lion feels alright…
Advantage works the fleas are gone,
Advantage works the fleas are gone,
Advantage works the fleas are gone,
Advantage works the fleas are gone,
Oooooooooooooooh…"
"THAT'S IT! SHUT UP! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!"
"For Pete's sake, kids these days…"
"Ain't you seen the commercials, young'n? Now, about that Advantix…"
"Hold it! What's going on here?" Leafpool froze. Behind her stood a very, very angry Cinderpelt.
"How dare you, Leafpool! We can't feed this…this Twoleg nonsense to those poor elders! Who knows what's in this stuff?"
"I believe I do! You just gotta look at the nutrition facts, missy! Now let's see…artificial cherry flavoring…oh my, 35 calories per serving…"
"Now, listen, Longtail, I believe you are in need of some watermint…"
"What was that you said? Peppermints? I love peppermints!"
"They make me feel young again!"
"Got any prunes? Those babies hit the spot!"
"Silence! Leafpool, you are to feed these elders the proper herbs, or…"
"Or what?"
"Or…or else I shall…erm…tell Firestar! Ha!"
"Well, now, that's his problem. He doesn't know the difference between watermint and peppermint…"
"Did somebody say peppermint?"
"Mousefur, hush. Now, he doesn't know a thing about herbs, so I'll be surprised if he even gets angry at all...all he really cares about is 'the warrior code' this, 'loyalty to the clan' that…ha! What a suck-up! Now, Cinderpelt, I do believe this is a gift from StarClan, so that elders and queens don't complain about the crap we give them all the time. Let's face it: it just tastes better. It probably works faster. And get those cobwebs away from her! Ever heard of Band-Aids? Yah, that's right, Cinderpelt…now, I know this is a bit harsh on you, but life changes, and the 'olden days' are over, so unless you want me to take over as medicine cat, you had better brush up on the new medicine cat skills, or else you can pray to StarClan to give you some 'guidance'. Now, who needs what?"
"I need Pepto-Bismol!"
"Bah, you always need Pepto-Bismol, you old coot! You've had some funky digestion systems lately…"
Nobody noticed as Cinderpelt, now sad, with her head and tail drooping, slowly walked out of the elders den and into her own den. What was happening to the clan? She needed a message from StarClan, and fast…
Chapter 4 (Even more funny!)
This was insanity. Pure insanity.
Firestar shook his head as he watched from the Great Rock. Fresh-kill piles were replaced with Twoleg food. Whitepaw and Brackenfur had been missing for days now. For some reason, everybody had started calling his nephew Tubby and White Boy. Leafpool had been using Twoleg medicine on the elders; all the warriors were obsessed with strange things called video games!
Worst of all, his own daughter, and his once trusted warrior Brambleclaw, had started to wear crazy things, talk in a crazy language, and call him Firey-shizzle! He had to do something about-
Wait a second…what was that scent? It was so familiar, yet so distant. It was a scent he hadn't smelt in moons, an unforgettable menacing scent that was now somewhat…ghostly…or was that perfume? Firestar's curiosity got the better of him, and he jumped off of the rock and followed the oddly familiar smell.
His scent trail led him, strangely, to the nursery. Peeking inside, he saw a very, VERY strange sight…an obese Ferncloud, Twoleg food scattered all over the place, a lot of empty Kleenex boxes, a television with the soap channel on, and…TIGERSTAR? In a pink tutu? With a teddy bear? How weird could this day get?
"Why did Dirk have to…(sniffle)…do that? WHY?" Ferncloud wailed.
"It's okay, Ferncloud…here, have a tissue…I know, Mr. Stuffykins, I know," meowed Tigerclaw in a strangely feminine voice.
"OH! All this depression makes me so…HUNGRY! Care for some pie?"
"Oh, no, thank you, Ferncloud, we're on a diet! Aren't we, Mr. Stuffykins?"
(squeak!)
"Exactly! I know, we've got to stay away from those big, mean old calories, don't we, now?"
"Yah, well, suit yourself…this one's apple cinnamon flavored!"
"Apple Cinnamon pie? Malibu Barbie used to love apple cinnamon pie with her tea…WAAAAAH!"
"But…Dirk poisoned Kelly with apple cinnamon pie…WAAAAAH!"
(squeak!)
Firestar could hear them both crying like sissies, over Malibu Barbie and the soapopera. He rolled his eyes.
"Really, Ferncloud, I think that this calls for a remodel of your little nursery. Aw, wouldn't it just be ADORABLE if we put in a lavender pantry? With little matching cabinets, and maybe a fridge with a hint of Purple Mountain's Majesty? Lavender is a very soothing color, but green is so easy on the eyes, and it would bring out the color in your FABULOUS jade pools… and we COULD do a green couch, if you wanted, but it would have to be a green that goes with lavender, or it would just not go!"
"What about pink?"
"Oh…my…God! You do NOT want the whole room to be pink! It'll be, like, ohmigosh, a Pepto-Bismol DISASTER! Honey, pink just SPELLS disaster! But if we do some lavender with jade, we could have the most fabulous room! Honey, we are talking Fancy Feast Persian Caviar-flavored fabulous! You just can't find that kind of fabulous anywhere these days!"
"Yah, uh, you do that. Now, about this big mess I made…"
"Oh, yes, of course, the cute little lavender pantry is perfect to organize all of your little donuts, and the adorable mini fridge for all that soda! Oh, my, God, and with a matching freezer! Genius! And don't worry about this dirt floor, we could either get some tile on here or some perfect fabric for a fuzzy purple carpet. As for this little mess, I LOVE spring cleaning!"
Firestar couldn't hold it in much longer. Finally, he burst into laughter, rolling on the floor and gasping for breath.
"Tigerstar…my mortal enemy…the most evil cat I've ever met…a WUSS? I never thought the day would…come!"
"Oh, Firey! How good it is to see you! Oh, my, we need to do something about that fur…listen, I know about this fabulous spa just down the street and-"
"I can't believe it! You're…a sissy!"
"Yes, well, that isn't very nice, now, is it, Mr. Stuffykins?"
(squeak!)
"Exactly! You should watch your tongue, Mister!"
"Spring cleaning? TIGERSTAR, the most evil cat in the forest, SPRING CLEANS?"
"Well, yes, it is a hobby, I must admit. But I've changed my ways, Firey. I've gone to the good side, and not just any good side, but the gorgeously fabulous good side! If only I'd known how perfect these long front claws were for French manicures!"
"So that means you're…easy to beat up and pick on!"
"Now, now, Firey, I've already gotten this ghastly black eye from that horrible gangster that I am ashamed to call my son. I mean, old school? It's just so, like, old. I think he totally needs a fashion change…"
"Ha! Your own son beat you! Now this is funny-"
"I've got an idea! Why don't the two of you shut up, because the commercials are over and Nine Lives To Live is back on. Or, to make it better, 'Firey' can get a life, and Tigerstar can redecorate my den. How about that? Good. Now, SHUT UP!"
Tigerstar shrugged, and, pulling a feather duster and little black-and-white maid outfit out of nowhere, began singing and dusting the den.
Firestar, now thoroughly confused, headed out of the den. What was that…another smell? This was a strange one…following the scent, he came upon a strange slice of something orange with holes in it.
But when Firestar came closer, he noticed how delicious the scent was. It tempted him, the mesmerizing, milky sweet cheddar scent, slowly luring his slobbering mouth closer…and closer…until he finally opened his jaws and…
"Hey you!" something squeaked from below him. Looking down, he spotted…a mouse?
"Yah, you, you big fat orange cat! Now hand over the cheese, mister!"
"Cheese? This…this glorious thing is called…cheese?"
"Yah, smart one, ever heard of it? Now, hurry up and hand it over to-"
"NEVER!"
"What the-"
"I am sorry, my little piece of prey, but I have discovered something truly amazing, something that makes my life worth living…cheese! I have discovered a true passion for this…this heavenly aroma, the cheddary, silky texture, the perfectly round and tempting holes! Oh, Mr. Mouse, I don't think I could ever give something up so…so…" Firestar was now, sadly, choking up with tears of joy, and his voice was becoming squeakier by the second. Over cheese.
"So beautiful!" he finally managed to finish before suddenly grabbing the chunk of cheddar in his jaws and glaring down at the cat.
"And that, my friend, is why I shall NEVER let anyone get his paws around my cheese! It's mine, I say! MINE! You shall never take it from me! NEVER!"
"Oh, yah? You think you can just come up to a little mouse and steal his chance at not starving in this piece-of-catdung forest, eh? Well, let me tell you something, buddy, about stealing a mouse's cheese! If you ever – ever do that to any mouse, then that little mouse will get his revenge! REVENGE, I tell you! Now you better give me that cheese, or else you and your little kitty-cat friends won't see what hit them!"
"Yah, suuure…you and what army?"
"Only my army of every mouse, rat, and cheese-loving 'prey' in this forest! You'll see who the prey is once I get all my little friends to-"
"Ha! So you're getting all of your tiny, pipsqueak friends? Well, then, I'm getting all of MINE! One cat to me is equal to ten mice of yours! This is WAR, you rat! WAR, I say!"
"Fine, then! It's official! Let's just say that prey will be a lot harder to catch in this forest from now on!"
"We don't need you to depend on…as long as we have the cheese! And it will be a fight for my cheese! A bloodthirsty battle! I will fight out every one of my seven lives in me if I must! WAR! This…is…WAAAAAR!" And with that, Firestar grabbed the little mouse by the tail and sent him flying out of ThunderClan.
"We…will…meet…again…" was all that the little mouse could say before Firestar heard something splat against a tree. Turning around, he came face to face with Spiderleg.
"Uh…" he meowed, very confused. "Were you just talking to a mouse?"
"Yes. Yes, indeed, I was. Don't look at me like that, soldier! Get an army helmet for every warrior, every queen, elder, and kit, every medicine cat in this Clan, because this, my little badly-named friend, is WAR!"
"Uh…sir yes sir?"